Q & A

I’ll always keep waiting for an apology I’ll never get.

The questions left unanswered.

So many questions.

All of them, “Why?”

 

But I will always be waiting for those answers.

And that was one of the reasons why it ended.

You kept delivering false promises.

And I grew tired of the disappointment and lies.

 

I could keep waiting.

Long after the end.

For those answers.

But you never took the time to figure yourself out,

So those questions I suppose,

Are more for you than me.

But you never will seek them.

Ironic from the know-it-all.

The greatest thing left unknown is yourself.

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An Ocean of Emotion

My feelings stir inside my soul,

Like the infinite waters of the ocean,

A thought, a place, a memory,

Can arise my heart to motion.

Anger pulses through my veins,

A dark storm of rage,

Deep inside it is unleashed,

From its boned cage.

Floods of heartache submerge me,

Sadness sweeps across my skin,

A longing of missing you,

Drowns me from within.

I can’t contain these feelings,

These moods they ebb and flow,

Of things left unsettled,

Of answers I’ll never know.

   – M.L.

From Lovers to Strangers

Two years of laughter and smiles,

Of exploring new places,

Of talking about our days,

Of fighting and making up,

Of holding hands and cuddling,

Of picking each other up,

Of watching each other grow,

Of struggles and of successes,

Of being there for each other,

Two years of growing to know you….gone.

Now you are no more than a stranger to me.

I’m amazed how you can love and care about someone so deeply,

Only to have them vanish from your life.

It makes you wonder if you ever were really that important….

    -M.L.

When I Realized you didn’t Love me

I wish I could say you loved me.

I know you did.

At some point.

You did all the nice things you were programed to do.

Open the door.

Buy me things.

Asked me about my day.

Things any boyfriend would do.

 

You loved me.

You’d drive 14 hours to see me just for a weekend.

You’d drive over to my house

Just to make me a smoothie

Because I was sick.

You’d send me funny things

While I was bored at work.

And pick me up from the train station

After a long day.

We’d do crosswords together.

And go on river walks.

You’d read and edit my writing.

Because I suck at grammar.

You’d talk about the future,

Our future.

And I never had to question a thing.

 

You loved me.

For a while.

But something changed.

When was that?

Was it when you said you wanted to be in an open relationship?

When you said you questioned if I was the girl for you?

When you stopped texting me sweet nothings?

When you hung out with your friends more than me?

When you put more of an effort into your friendships that your relationship,

going on walks with them, trying new things with them,

Doing all the things I was trying to do with you?

When I told you how this made me feel,

And you did it anyway.

When I asked you to talk to a therapist about us?

You never did.

Or if you did,

You certainly didn’t try.

Or was it when you kept making excuses?

Of not wanting to tour my office?

Or meet my friends?

Or go camping with me?

Or do anything with me?

And I waited.

I fucking waited for you.

I waited a year.

Of long distances.

I waited a summer of internships.

I waited nine months of working opposite schedules.

I waited another summer of school.

I waited for those vacations we used to have.

I waited for those camping trips you said we’d do.

I waited for those restaurants we’d try.

I waited and waited.

Until I couldn’t wait no more.

I couldn’t wait for you to be that guy who I saw in the beginning.

Who tried.

Who cared.

Who loved me.

And now that I’m out of your life,

Now I see you doing the things,

I kept wanting to do with you.

How ironic.

Now that I’m out of your life,

You finally have the time to do those things.

Now that I’m out of your life,

Now I realize that you didn’t love me.

Because if you loved me,

We would still be together.

   -M.L.

 

 

 

Coffee Turned Feminist Rant

So it all started when I went to have my coffee…

I love coffee. I love the taste. I love the smell. I love the smooth liquid sliding down my throat and warming me from the inside out. I love coffee so much, that I moved to Seattle. Okay, I’m kidding about that last part, but living in the Coffee City of America is a definite plus.

I started my addiction to the java bean at a young age. Every Labor day weekend when I was young, back when elementary school started Mid-September, my family would go camping. My birthday also happens to usually fall on Labor day weekend, and every year for my birthday, my dad would make me a special cup of coffee. It was my favorite present. This tradition continued until I got old enough to make my own coffee, and then, coffee sort of became this unspoken bond between my father and I. I think for us, it was an ode to those years camping, and the memories we had.

Since I’ve been a coffee junkie for a while, I definitely have my specific tastes when it comes to how I prepare my coffee. First, I use whole coffee beans and grind them each morning. This way, the coffee’s oil is at its most flavorful. Second, I use Arabica coffee beans that are dark roasted. In my opinion, this is a bold flavor for those who enjoy the true essence of coffee. I then use the drip brewing method to preserve and enhance the taste of my coffee. Lastly, as I am still sort of a wuss, I sweeten it up a bit with some almond milk and honey.

Honey. My second addiction. I love honey. I love the taste. I love the different types. I love the golden color. I love that it’s natural. Problem is, beside the fact that the bee population is dwindling, is that honey isn’t cheap. Nor should it be I suppose, if you think about all the hard work the bees to do produce that honey. Anyways, to cut down on costs, I’ve been using less honey, which means my coffee is becoming less sweet.

As it so happens, today, I did not put any honey in it. I figured I’d try and go with just the almond milk. It’s the closest thing I could get to straight black coffee….the coffee lover’s goal. Quite proud of myself for taking a step toward this accomplishment, I went to “the Facebook” to brag.

At first, I wanted to come up with something witty about how Seattle is turning me into a coffee pro. But…pro wasn’t the right word. I was practically already a pro. I had my preferences, my methods. No…to drink black coffee, you have to be brave. No, brave wasn’t right either. Brave sounds like you’re afraid to drink black coffee. But that’s the whole goal! Yeah it’s hard to drink black coffee starting off and like the taste. To drink black coffee, is to drink like a man. That is essentially what I wanted to say. Drinking coffee like a man, tough, bold, strong.

But I couldn’t. I couldn’t write that. Drinking coffee ‘like a man’ isn’t a proper way to describe an action. So I went to the thesaurus, being sure there was a proper word to describe this feeling. There wasn’t. In the end, I typed masculine, to find the synonyms I was looking for, bold, strong, brave, honorable. Under synonyms were the antonyms, weak, shy, timid, cowardly, feminine.

At this point I didn’t even care about the coffee post on Facebook. I was appalled. I was appalled that we associated these characteristics with these genders, which often get confused with our physical sex. To be a woman is to be feminine, and to be feminine is apparently weak, shy, timid, and cowardly.

Our society accepts this. I mean, it’s in a thesaurus for crying out loud. Is this what we want to teach our children….our girls? That being a female is associated with these qualities? These qualities that confine us and limit our power and potential as humans? We need to start redefining what being a female is. It is not weak. It is not cowardly. Being a woman is what we make it.

Feminism is growing, and women are standing up more and more for their rights. Seeing a bit of sexism written in a book on the English language shows me that we need to culturally redefine our interpretations and beliefs on women and what we are capable of…

like drinking a cup of black coffee.