I think I give you too much credit.
Because for a while, you were perfect.
And my heart swelled with love.
I felt our relationship was indestructible.
I didn’t realize that it was infested from the inside….by you.
When you started to question your feelings.
I should have walked away then.
But I loved you too much.
And I was stubbornly hopeful that you’d realize the err of your ways.
And it seemed like you did.
You didn’t want to leave.
But was it out of fear?
Fear of being alone?
Because your love only seemed to fade.
You grew distant.
It hurts me so much that I kept holding on to our love,
hoping that like a dying flower,
With a little nurturing it would spring back to life.
But it didn’t, did it?
Because you are a selfish child,
Your view on love is to fill this empty feeling you have inside.
Thinking that external love will help fill that gap where self-love should be.
Getting bored from relationships.
Thinking that the “perfect” person will come along.
That isn’t love.
That is a boy’s ego of wanting more.
I often cry and think, “what did I do?
Why didn’t you love me?
And honestly, I can’t blame myself.
Because I was damn good to you.
I cared for you.
I wanted those things for you,
like being independent, self-sufficient, open-minded.
I showed you these things.
I wanted to grow with you.
But you only grew away.
I gave you everything.
And in the end, I was left feeling empty.
Because I didn’t get the same amount of love back.
And I feel so much…pain, loss.
For waiting and loving a guy who was too blind to love me back.
In the way I loved you.
For you couldn’t love yourself.
So forgive me for cutting you out of my life.
But really….you cut me out of yours.
Two years of memories and bonding you threw away.
I was disposable to you.
I was just an option. An object.
Two years of an illusion which I thought was a reality.
And not wishing to live with the pain,
the hurt, the loss of something I thought was true,
I cut you out.
Like a tumor.
Because that is what you’ve become to me.
I wish you hadn’t.
But that was your choice.
Remember that every action has consequences.
So for letting me go and yet wanting me in your life,
You do not get that privilege.
You cannot break me and yet keep me at arm’s length.
You cannot cause me pain
And expect things to stay the same.
You selfish child.